雅思作文范文及教師點評
People can go to shop, bank and work with a computer. But the danger of the computer is that people are getting isolated and losing some social skills. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
The progression of computer is inevitable and undeniable. Nowadays computers also have become a part of our daily life. Instead of leaving home to go to shop bank and work people can do these at home by clicking the buttons. However, some people hold the opinion that it will cause people isolated from each other and lose social skills. Personally I find it hard for me to agree with this opinion by following reasons
In the first instance, computers are tool to communication with people instead of isolation from the world. When we say a person is isolated it means that he is lonely and cut off the world. However, people seldom have this feeling while they are surfing the Internet. On the contrary, people tend to make more friends through the net.
Secondly, people also can acquire social skills on Internet. Communication on Internet has the same purpose as face-to-face communication has. For example, through Internet we can send greeting cards to our friends. Furthermore, sometimes it might be a better way of communication on some occasions such as when you find it embarrassing to say sorry face to face we can send a message of apology to your friend.
Last but not least, doing something through Internet actually spares more time for our social life. Sometime we need to spend a lot of time shopping in department stores. Now we can save the time and may visit our friends.
In general, computer just make our life more colorful so we don’t need to worry about the changes its may bring to us. Especially most of these changes are positive.
講評：
原文總體上邏輯是清楚的，直接回答了題中的問題，并得出了自己的結(jié)論。結(jié)構(gòu)比較清晰，而且顯示了考生在一定程度上運(yùn)用復(fù)雜句型的能力。然而，一些表達(dá)顯得笨拙，有的'地方出現(xiàn)重復(fù)，不符合英文表達(dá)習(xí)慣（如原文首段的Personally I find it hard for me to agree…中的I和for me 重復(fù)。by following reasons應(yīng)為for the following reasons. 第三段的Communication on Internet has the same purpose as face-to-face communication has. 原文反復(fù)使用了Internet, 沒有使用替換詞）文中出現(xiàn)了不少語法和用詞錯誤（如原文的第一段的progression多指空間的變化，如距離和音樂演奏等，技術(shù)的進(jìn)步應(yīng)用progress 或improvement；Internet前一般要加the等）。原文第三段所舉的例子似乎和前面的主題句的意思不是同一概念，對前句沒有進(jìn)一步說明的作用。因此考生會在這幾個方面失分。因此，根據(jù)雅思現(xiàn)行評分標(biāo)準(zhǔn)，我認(rèn)為該文總分應(yīng)為6.5分。
請大家參照經(jīng)我改寫的范文對比研習(xí)。
There is no doubt that the progress of computer science is inevitable. Nowadays the computer has become a part of our daily life. Instead of leaving home for shopping, banking or work, people can do all these at home by clicking the buttons only. However, some people hold the opinion that this will make people feel isolated from each other and lose social skills. Personally I find it hard to agree with this view for the following reasons
In the first instance, computers are a useful communication tool which may help us to get rid of the feeling of isolation. When we say a person is isolated, it means that he is lonely and cut off from the world. However, people seldom have such feeling while they are surfing the Internet. On the contrary, people tend to make more friends via cyberspace.
Secondly, people also can acquire social skills on the Internet. Online communication appears to have the same effect as a face-to-face encounter. For example, with the help of a webcam and a microphone, we can see each other and talk about any subject we like. Furthermore, sometimes it could be a better way of expressing yourself on a particular occasion. For instance, when you find it embarrassing to talk about something with your friend face to face, you can send him a message online.
Last but not least, doing something via the Internet actually spares more time for our social life. Sometimes we may have to spend a lot of time shopping in department stores, but now we can save the time for a visit to our friends.
To conclude, computers make our life more colorful, so we don’t need to worry about the changes they may bring to us. It is very likely that most of these changes are positive.
(303 words)
修改講解：
原文第一段：Progression 一般表示空間的移動，用在這里修飾技術(shù)進(jìn)步不準(zhǔn)確，應(yīng)改為progress, improvement等。leaving home to go to shop … 不如改為leaving home for shopping … 更為簡練。Personally I find it hard for me to agree…中的I和for me 重復(fù), for me 應(yīng)刪掉。by following reasons應(yīng)為for the following reasons. 該段最后兩句都用了opinion，有重復(fù)之嫌，故后句改為view。
.html 2012雅思作文范文點評
原文第二段： computers are tool to communication with people instead of isolation from the world有語法錯誤。改為computers are a useful communication tool which may help us to get rid of the feeling of isolation 更準(zhǔn)確。Cut off the world 漏寫了from。 Through the net 改為via cyberspace更符合現(xiàn)代英語的書面表達(dá)，而且原文過多使用了the Internet, 應(yīng)適當(dāng)使用替換詞。
原文第三段：Internet 前應(yīng)加上the。Communication on Internet has the same purpose as face-to-face communication has. 不僅有語法錯誤，而且表達(dá)笨拙，似改為Online communication appears to have the same effect as a face-to-face encounter.更符合英語表達(dá)習(xí)慣。另外，該段所舉的例子缺乏說服力。
原文第四段：除個別地方有小的錯誤，沒有其他什么問題。
最后一段： computer 前應(yīng)有冠詞，或用復(fù)數(shù)形式。最后一句especially一般不用在句首引導(dǎo)一個句子。
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